LONELINESS

gony of the mind is always more painful than that of the body. And among mental sufferings nothing can be compared to loneliness.

This kind of suffering Jesus underwent Himself. During His passion He uttered not a moan. Though held tight, whipped and crucified, He silently bore the torture.

Yet, in Gethsemane, He couldn’t help crying, "My soul is sad, even unto death. "

Again, in the cross, at the hour of extreme suffering, He gave utterance to His grief, "Father, why did You abandon me?" Alas! The lonely words by the loneliest person! What a mortal sorrow!

Heart-rendering sorrows usually throw men deep into their loneliness. The sorrowful often slip into their own loneliness as if to take cover, bemoaning their sad fate.

Loneliness doesn’t mean having nobody beside, but it is first and foremost an absence. It is the bitter presence of a lack of what one cherishes most. For there would be no loneliness if one expected nothing.

If that absence is merely unintentional, then loneliness isn’t so agonizing. But when that is a deliberate absence, loneliness turns out to be unbearable. And when that absence is tantamount to a betrayal and purposive abandonment, one is faced with a killing loneliness.

Jesus Himself went through all the most agonizing states of being lonely: Peter’s denial, His disciples running away, the absence of those He helped, the ingratitude of His people, and the indifference of the whole mankind. Even God the Father seemed to abandon Him.

The lonely person is one who is living in a fallen world. Not the outside world, but the inner one. The objective world still exists. It’s common and indifferent. In addition to it, everybody has an inner world of his own, made up of bonds of love, joys, sorrows, and hopes. It’s also the meanings of the objective to him. He has been accustomed to living in it as in a chosen homeland. When those bonds are cut off and that world collapses, he suddenly finds himself all alone and helpless.

How strange it is to feel lonely right in the crowd! That which is near one sees as far away. Yet that which is far away one seeks as something very dear. This contradiction makes his soul move up and down along a completely deserted two-way road. What one possesses lacks one’s expectation. Yet what one waits eagerly for fails to make its appearance.

Around the crucified Jesus stood thousands of people. Despite this He still felt extremely lonely. For that wasn’t in the slightest the world He was looking for. And numerous as the people were, their presence, far from being a sympathy, a sharing or a defense, was to show their contempt and hatred to Him. In like manner, His disciples’ flight as well as Peter’s denial meant a selfishness, a breach of loyalty, and a betrayal. Those meanings, not unlike sharp knives, cut Him to the heart, a heart which knew nothing but love and awaited nothing but affection.

The loneliness of the sorrowful Jesus was a terrible pain. With such loneliness He lived His human destiny to the full in order that my loneliness might not be solely borne by me.

I’m lonely, for I can’t count on anybody to live my very fate.

I’m lonely, for I see all around me so many walls of separation.

I’m lonely, for I flee from love.

I’m lonely, for many a time I call my dear ones in the other world but I only feel icy-cold.

I’m lonely, for many a time I look earnestly for God but He seems to shy away from me.

There are lonely moments which are sadder than tears and more threatening than death.

I can turn to nobody but You, my dear Lord, but alas! You also abandon me.

Formerly You did suffer from loneliness but You foreknew every step and development of its. And on Easter Sunday You rose from the dead, joyous and triumphant. But as for me, I bear it in darkness. I don’t know how terrible my loneliness will become and when it ends. The only thing I do is trust in You. You have triumphed over death, so I believe all my anguish and loneliness won’t be in vain, either. Some day they must come to an end and I’ll share in Your joy. This I know for sure but it doesn’t keep me from suffering. You Yourself struggled so hard that Your sweat, like drops of blood, fell to the ground, let alone such a feeble creature as me. My very dear Jesus, I accept my loneliness for Your sake. So please grant me more faith and courage.

Most Rev. J. B. Bùi Tuần, Talking to Oneself

Translation by Đan Quang Tâm