Do You Find It Difficult to Say: "Good Job!" to a Friend?

by John Le

W

hen I was in high school, I was a pretty good student. In fact, I had nearly straight A's and one of the highest GPAs in my class. Every semester, I brought my outstanding report card home to my parents for them to see. My dad would open the envelope, look at the grades, then nonchalantly put the report back into the envelope and give it back to me. There was never a word of praise. Sometimes, I tried to look at his facial expressions to see if there was anything there, but I could never be sure what was on his mind at that moment.

Although I have eventually come to understand my dad much better and realize how proud he was of me even though he never told me so, I often wonder what it would have been like if he sometimes gave me a pat on the shoulder and said "Good job, son!" Praising one another is oftentimes a difficult thing to do. In our Vietnamese culture, parents often do not praise their children because we are not an openly affectionate people. Some parents may also fear that praising their children may provoke them to have big heads. The virtue of humility is especially valued among the Vietnamese people. But for others, praising is also difficult because they have a difficult time appreciating the goodness in others. As far as this is concerned, the lack of praising is not necessarily just in the Vietnamese culture. There is a significant lack of it in the American culture as well. It is not just a cultural issue but also a personal one.

Praising, if done properly, can help to create a climate where people feel good about themselves and as a result have a sense of self-worth that helps them to fulfill their potential. Believe it or not, many people find it difficult to praise another person for one minute. Imagine right now, that you were standing in front of a friend who just gave a great performance at a church event. Can you say something more to him/her than "Good job!"? Chances are, you may find that you quickly run out of things to say after these initial phrases. You may even find yourself embarrassed about saying these nice things. On the other hand, a lot of us can go on and on with criticisms.

Everyday, all around us, there are countless opportunities for us to praise others--a good tennis game, a beautifully written essay, a nice effort at some project. Praise is really our effort at removing ourselves from the picture and letting others "be" who they are. According to C.S. Lewis, "The humblest, and at the same time, most balanced and capacious minds, praised most, while the cranks, misfits and malcontents praised least. The good critics found something to praise in many imperfect works; the bad ones continually narrowed the list of books we might be allowed to read. The healthy and unaffected [person], even if luxuriously brought up and widely experienced in good cookery, could praise a very modest meal; the dyspeptic and the snob found fault with all."

When we praise, we focus on the individual that we are praising and not on ourselves. When we praise others, we say things like "You sang that song beautifully!" or "I have never seen you play the piano better" or "That poem you wrote was the best one you've ever written." As we can see, there is no reference to me or other people in these praises. We only look at the worthy things in the person we are praising and letting him/her know that we appreciate what he/she has.

As Christians, we are continuously encouraged to give praise to God. We praise God for all the good things that God has done. We praise God for the beauty that God has created in the world. In that same spirit, we are also encouraged to praise our families, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and perhaps even strangers.

Praising is no more than us telling the truth about what we see in the other person. This sounds simple enough, but unfortunately, many of us don't really know how to praise. For example, an attempt at praise might sound like this, "That was pretty good, but you could have done better" or "That was not bad." This comes across as half-hearted and maybe even stingy. One reason that many people have trouble with praise is because they have been brought up in environments where praise is not readily available. But another reason may be because they just don't want to do it. For some, it is a matter of personal jealousy or competition. This attitude certainly says more about the person who refuses to praise than the object of the praise. For others, it is because they don't want to come across as "kissing up" or "brown-nosing."

In my opinion, it is not necessarily a good thing to continuously praise, especially when it's disingenuous or untruthful. There is such a thing as over-praise. However, in a culture when there is hardly enough praise, we should not worry so much about over-doing it. Moreover, if we are sincere with our praise, we should not worry about what others think. As a person, I feel that sometimes, it is important for me to be praised by my friends, teachers, and family. Being praised helps me to feel affirmed in the things that I do and encourages me to continue the things that I've been doing. On the other hand, giving praise also gives me joy because it is an act of unselfishness. It is also an act of openness to the things and people around me and finding myself able to appreciate them. All these things help me to grow as an individual. Thus, we all should not hesitate to give praise when it is proper and genuine, and receive praise from others with joy and gratefulness.