Overcoming Loneliness

by Ky Nguyen

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ost of us are familiar with the experience of loneliness. As much as we dislike it, loneliness is a part of growth and change as we face various situations in our life. Each of us is different and therefore, we will also feel lonely under different conditions.

Loneliness, as I think we all can realize from experience, is not necessarily being alone. There are times when we are alone for an entire day but it doesn't make us feel lonely. On the other hand, sometimes we are attending a party at a friend's house with dozens of people present, but inside, there seems to be an inescapable feeling of loneliness. We may also have a similar feeling even though we are sitting in a college class with two hundred other students, or among fifty thousand people at a football game.

Loneliness is not a pleasant feeling. When I feel lonely, I am aware that I am very disconnected from my surrounding, my family and friends. I feel like there is something about me that others cannot understand and my friends are not there to attend to my needs like they should. Sometimes, I even begin to feel that there is something about me that turns people off, makes me unlikable, and makes me not worth others' time.

While loneliness does seem at times inescapable, it is a condition that we can overcome if we examine what loneliness is about and find ways to stop it from consuming our life. First, it is necessary that we turn away from the misconceptions about loneliness. Many of us often view loneliness as a sign of weakness or lack of maturity. We feel that if we were strong, we would never suffer the feeling of helplessness that comes with loneliness. Second, loneliness is often misconceived as a sign that there is something inherently wrong with us. This feeling is intensified when we see other people our age having the time of their life. We are then led to question about what is wrong with us that prevents us from being able to enjoy life like our peers do. Third, when feeling lonely, we automatically think that we are the only one who feels this way. It is precisely this feeling that causes us to feel more disconnected with our surroundings. In fact, loneliness is not an extremely rare condition and at any one time, chances are many people are going through the same problem as we are.

There are many negative effects resulting from pervasive loneliness. First, we will tend to perceive ourselves in a negative way, whether it is physical appearance or academic performance. Everything becomes seen in a negative light. Second, we may blame ourselves for feeling the way we do and mistakenly conclude that no one likes us. Third, we may become passive and refrain from participating in social or academic activities. Instead, we expect that others recognize our need and attempt to include us in what they are doing. If this need is not met, we may become angry, withdrawn, and further isolated from other activities. Fourth, we have greater difficulty in taking social risks, in asserting ourselves, in making phone calls to initiate social contact, in introducing ourselves to others, in participating in groups, and in enjoying ourselves at parties. Fifth, we will have less skill in talking about ourselves, less skill in responding to others, and a greater tendency to approach social encounters with cynicism and mistrust.

Beside those listed above, there are many other effects that come with loneliness if the feeling is not overcome. When feeling lonely, we must tell ourselves that this is not a defect and that the feeling can be easily overcome and changed. The only person that can change the situation, however, is the person who is feeling lonely. There is not much that others can do to help if the individual does not first take the initiative to change his own situation.

Loneliness, as we should realize, is an important signal that perhaps important needs in ourselves are not being met. We all have needs, and the trick is for us to reflect on our own situation and identify the specific needs in our lives. Perhaps it is a need for a close friendship with someone. Perhaps it is a need for a close relationship with family members. Perhaps it is a need to develop some talents that we have. Or it may be also a need to feel more confidently about who we are and what we do.

Having identified the needs in our life, we can then take concrete steps to fulfill these needs. If it is a need for closer friends, there are various things we can do. We may seek out situations that enable us to meet new people. For example, at school, we may search out for student organizations that interest us. At church, we may find new friends in participating in a church choir, in a prayer group, or on a group retreat. In these places, people are generally open and welcoming to new members. We may be surprised to find how friendly people can be. Second, we may take on activities that truly interest us. For example, if we like photography, chances are, we will be able to meet other people in a photography club with whom we have many things in common and can exchange conversations.

In all these situations, however, it is important that we learn to be assertive. We can practice being assertive by saying hello to a student in class whom we don't know, or start a conversation with a stranger on the bus, or get involved in discussions in class. Being assertive also means taking initiative in meeting people to whom we are attracted. At a party, if we see someone interesting, we cannot simply sit in the corner and expect that person to come say hello. We may have to wait all night before anything happens, if it happens at all. Make eye contact, smile, or better yet, walk over and say "hello."

One of the things that is difficult for people trying to overcome loneliness is trying not to judge others. Oftentimes, we judge new people on the basis of past relationships. What we must do, instead, is try to see each person from a fresh perspective. Give every new person a chance by slowly getting to know them. It is not healthy to impose our own expectations on others, or rush into intimate friendships by sharing too much about ourselves or asking the other person to share more than they want to. The process must be allowed to develop naturally and comfortably.

Loneliness can be minimized if we also take steps to develop ourselves. First, it is important that we follow habits of good nutrition, regular exercise, and adequate sleep. Second, use our free time to get to know ourselves. Look at this time as an opportunity to develop independence and to learn to take care of our own emotional needs. Third, use our free time to enjoy ourselves rather than just existing until we will be with others. We are who we are when we alone and not just when we are in the company of others. Avoid merely vegetating (sitting around being bored, doing nothing). Deal with the situation actively by recognizing that there are many creative and enjoyable ways to use our alone time. Fourth, whenever possible, use what we have enjoyed in the past to help us decide how to enjoy our alone time now.

In summary, we must not define ourselves as lonely people. No matter how bad we feel, loneliness will diminish or even disappear when we focus attention and energy on needs we can currently meet and when we learn to develop new ways to meet our other needs. Loneliness is a very natural part of life, especially for us as young people who are going through drastic emotional changes of growing up and discovering new things in life. Loneliness happens when we move from junior high to high school, and from high school to college. During these times of changes, we will discover many difficulties and this may lead us to feel lonely. But we must remember that in all these situations, we have two choices: either to let the feeling of loneliness make us paralyzed, or work so that we can make ourselves happy and confident people. The second choice is obviously the better one!