Why Forgive?

By Ky Nguyen

here are many things that can be classified as "easier said than done," and forgiveness is among these. We all talk about forgiveness and we all admit how necessary it is in our life. We are quick to advise others to forgive and forget. On TV, there is even a talk show entitled "Forgive or Forget." But how easy is it to forgive? Are we ourselves convinced of the reasons for forgiveness?

In this reflection, I do not attempt to offer anything new. In fact, I have a feeling that deep down inside, we all know the reasons to forgive. But for some reason or another, many of us can't quite get ourselves to whole-heartedly go along with these important reasons.

Forgiveness isn't that strange. We all have forgiveness issues in our lives. The moment we learned how to talk, we probably said something to offend somebody. Every time we disobeyed our parents or lied to our friends, it was a time that we needed their mercy. On the other hand, every time someone made an offense against us, it was an opportunity for us to exercise forgiveness.

Ironically, we all desire forgiveness for our shortcomings, but it is often difficult for us to forgive others. Most people think that when we forgive someone, we are doing them a favor. We free them from suffering the consequences that they truly deserve. Of course, few of us want to do a favor for someone who deserves no favor.

For some of us, forgiving is also threatening because we feel that in doing so, we leave ourselves open for further abuse. The other individual may view our willingness to forgive as passivity or weakness. This would then be a carte blanche for him to continue to do harm against us and will simply be forgiven once more. Thus, by not forgiving, we feel that we are protecting ourselves and tell the other party that he cannot harm us and get away with it.

Still, for others among us, we convince ourselves that we are in fact doing the offender a favor by not forgiving him. We hope that the offender will feel the pain of alienation and repent his mistakes.

If we seriously reflect on forgiveness, we will find out that none of these ideas are true. In fact, these are simply reasons that we use to justify not doing the right thing. We all know that when someone offends us, our pride is hurt in some way. We say to ourselves, "How can she do that to me? I thought she was my friend. I thought I was important to her." By not forgiving, we think that we are taking the necessary steps to regain our pride. But that is simply not the case.

Usually, when we refuse to forgive, we are doing more harm to ourselves than we realize. My doctor once told me of a patient that was in his care. This patient was estranged from her family for many years because she felt that they were not supportive of her in her low times. In fact, she felt that they had abandoned her. Although she saw them from time to time, the resentment that she held towards them was so strong that every meeting was a terrible ordeal for her.

The patient saw the doctor on a regular basis because she had a series of health problems including abdominal pain, headaches, and high blood pressure. While these were physical problems, my doctor knew that the woman's problems went deeper than that and he began to talk to her about her personal life. As she revealed to him the anger and frustration that were harbored in her heart, it became clear to him why she was facing the host of health problems on a daily basis. Thus, he continued to treat her with medicine; however, he advised her that her health would never improve significantly unless she did something about the emotional issues in her life. After a while, the woman stopped seeing the doctor and apparently moved on with her life. He thought that he would never hear about her again until one day, he bumped into her during a Sunday mass, much healthier than how he remembered her before. It was then that she told him of her reconciliation with her family, which subsequently led to improvements in her ailments. She thanked him profusely and continuously apologized for not sending him a thank you letter before.

It is through such experiences that my doctor strongly believes in having emotional healing before physical healing can take place. In several studies that I have come across, it is indicated that when one becomes angry, there is a direct unhealthy change in heart function. Therefore, we should not be surprised that many diseases may be linked to having too much anger harbored inside ourselves. As we can see, forgiving is not doing others a favor. Forgiving is not being weak and leaving ourselves open to abuse. Forgiving is not teaching others a lesson. Instead, forgiving is a way to empower ourselves and take charge of our well-being. It is in fact, us doing ourselves a favor!

Beside the emotional and physical benefit of forgiving, there is a Biblical basis as well. In Mark's Gospel, Jesus said, "Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses" (11:25). What does this mean? It means that if someone has done us wrong, we must forgive them if we expect to be forgiven for our shortcomings. In this respect, we ourselves have to play the more noble person by forgiving even the one who doesn't deserve our mercy.

Why is this necessary? Forgiveness is necessary because it is essential to living a life of Christian love. When we refuse to forgive (whether the person has repented or not), we ourselves develop an unforgiving, hardened, and defensive heart. As Christians, called to be disciples of Jesus, our primary purpose is to love one another as Jesus has loved us and care for each other as Jesus cared for us. In refusing to forgive, we are doing precisely what is opposite of Christian love and charity.

As Christians, we must strive to be perfect. As Jesus advised us, "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48). Imagine if God held a grudge against us, then no one, not even the Saints could hope to be saved. Many times, we cannot remember everything we have said, everything we have done. It is probably true that we all have made mistakes that we don't realize we have made. It is probably true that we have said something against somebody without realizing it. In these things, we would not have the opportunity to ask for forgiveness even if we wanted to. Imagine if God held us to these mistakes. What would happen to our fate? Thankfully, God is merciful and offers forgiveness, even for those sins that get by us without our notice. And so, we must forgive those who sin against us, even when they don't deserve it or don't ask for it. Because although they might not deserve forgiveness, we do. And unless we ourselves forgive, we cannot expect our sins to be forgiven as well.