BOYFRIENDLESSNESS, AND THAT'S OK?

n high school every girl is supposed to have a boyfriend, right?

Don't they pass them out with the textbooks? I guess I was absent then, because I never got mine. By my junior or senior year, it seemed as though all of my friends had boyfriends. Some were on their second, third or sixth. But not me.

How could life go on? I went to a school of about 1,200 students, roughly half of whom were boys. If not one guy in 600 had any interest in me, there couldn't be much hope for the future, could there?

I was miserable. I thought I was missing out on what high school was all about. And what was worse, to keep my friends, I had to spend time with them and their boyfriends. I watched them hold hands, whisper secrets and exchange knowing looks. It was awful. I had a terrible case of the "I-don't-have-a-boyfriend" blues.

I spent agonizing hours trying to analyze the problem. It was my psychology teacher who gave me a bit of hope. She had us write a paper answering questions about ourselves. One question was about relationships with the opposite sex.

My answer: "The guys just think of me as a buddy. I'm someone for them to talk to, but not a girlfriend."

My teacher wrote a note on my paper. It said, simply, "Your day will be after high school, believe me."

I didn't believe her. How could she know that? But it sounded good. And she was right. My day did come even after college. Of course I can't guarantee it, but it's likely yours will too.

Looking back, I can see some reasons that some girls don't have boyfriends in high school and (can it be true?) some benefits to being unattached through those years. I wish I had known some of this while I was battling my emotions in high school. Maybe it can help you.

Why doesn't anyone like me?

You're trying too hard. If the fact that you don't have a boyfriend fills all of your thoughts and conversations, chances are it shows. Guys may not be able to see any interests you have that they might share.

Worrying excessively about what is wrong with you puts the focus of your attention on yourself. People are attracted to those who are interested in others and in the world around them.

You're being evaluated by the wrong standards. A lot of guys at my school chose girlfriends according to looks, popularity and what their friends would think (the same reasons a lot of girls chose boyfriends).

Remember that even those who are considered attractive can have unattractive features or characteristic. And even if you consider yourself unattractive, you do have some attractive features. You've heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that's true.

Looks have little to do with whether you will ever have a boyfriend. Your personality will speak louder than the fact that you have a little too much here or not enough there.

Popularity isn't much of an issue after high school. The time will come when people will appreciate you for yourself, not for who your friends are or what group you're in.

You're painfully shy. Often people confuse shyness with conceit or snobbery. This is especially true if you are pretty. People may accuse you of thinking you're too good for them. You may not even be aware that you are considered pretty. You may even feel unattractive.

Shyness often disappears on its own as you get older, but you can help it along by getting involved in activities you are interested in. It will be easier to talk with people when you have something in common to discuss.

You don't really want a boyfriend. You think you do because it's what everyone is supposed to want. But, really, you don't feel ready for a relationship, so you sidestep the opportunities that come your way. There is nothing at all wrong with this. More girls are resisting the pressure and deciding not to have a boyfriend.

Benefit of Boyfriendlessness.

You have time to develop closer friendships. Since you're not devoting most of your attention to one person, you're free to be more involved in the lives of your friends.

Spending time with a lot of different people can help you to better understand people and to develop new interests. Doing things in groups can be a lot of fun--a way to get to know guys without the pressure of an official date.

You won't make certain mistakes you'll regret later. Plenty of people are pressured into premature sexual relationships. That doesn't mean you will be, but you've heard the statistics on the number of teenage pregnancies. You don't hear much about those who "just" feel emotionally betrayed and guilty.

If you don't have a boyfriend, you will be less likely to have to deal with these issues or to expose yourself to sexually transmissible diseases, which can ruin or even end your life.

You have time to focus on your schoolwork. That probably doesn't sound too exciting, but it can help you when it comes time to choose a college or university or enter the job market.

You probably won't marry prematurely. Several of my friends who had boyfriends in high school were married within a year after graduation. Some of them have good marriages, but most of them wish they had waited a few years.

They wish they had taken time to travel or further their education. They realize, too, that they were not financially prepared for the responsibilities of marriage. For these reasons, in many cultures marriage is just not the next logical or ideal step after high school.

A Forgotten Best Friend.

I was a Catholic, and I did not practice much my religion until I enter the college and join a Christian Club. I come to recognize that Jesus is truly the best friend for all teenagers. He's there whenever you need Him. He listens intimately to you. And He responds with grace. We all know "a friend in need is a friend in deed". The Bible also tells us how close Jesus is to us: "God's message is near you, on your lips and in your heart" (Rm. 10:8). He even call us friends and died for friends. Jesus is the "hidden' treasure to the youth.

A Happy Ending. It can be hard to overcome the "I-don't- have-a-boyfriend" blues, but being single in high school can be a blessing in disguise. And another thing. It may seem like everyone else has a boyfriend, but stop and look around. You're not alone. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just not time for you yet, and that's OK.

(YOU magazine)