| by Mary Magnor (Our Sunday Visitor)
s I was looking at the lettuce in the produce section of my local grocery store about four years ago, I heard a man say, "Oh, no! You're not pregnant again!" Sure that the reprimand was not meant for me, I didn't turn around. Within seconds, however, the man came right up behind me and said, "Mary, what are you trying to prove by this?"
That man was my cousin, and I was, in fact, very pregnant. Baby number four was due in a matter of weeks. To his question, I blushed, stammered and laughed nervously. Not used to discussing my private life in the midst of my neighbors shopping for tangerines and plum tomatoes, I quickly changed the subject and excused myself to finish shopping.
I replayed the scene in my mind on the way home. Each time, I mentally answered him calmly and more eloquently. After all, I am a married woman. My husband works for a living as I stay home to care for the children. We never asked this man for money, let alone to baby-sit for our brood. Why was he so obviously peeved?
As our family has grown (we now have five children), we have endured other, similar comments from strangers, relatives, parishioners and even priests. What perplexes me is the tone of anger in these comments.
Inseparable Goals
In my high school morality class, learned that the meaning of the conjugal act is two fold. It unites the husband and wife by rejuvenating their love and makes it possible to transmit life. The unitive and procreative meanings are inseparable.
Artificial contraception strips the meaning of the sexual act by eliminating the procreative aspect. In essence, what occurs is a "conspiracy against life" as Pope John Paul II calls it in the encyclical Evangelium Vitae ("The Gospel of Life"). This seemingly private, and some would say, justifiable, decision by a husband and wife to use artificial contraception has profound effects on their marriage, family and even society. No sin is ever really private.
My own understanding of the teaching has evolved over the 11 years Tom and I have been married. In the beginning, we simply accepted it out of obedience to the authority of the Church, but lacked real understanding in our hearts. Our defense of the teaching to friends who thought we were crazy was purely academic, lacking the real power to convert.
"Understanding is the reward of faith," St. Augustine said. "Do not try to understand that you may believe, but believe in order that you may understand."
Our "reward" came after four years of marriage. By then we had one normal pregnancy, experienced the loss due to a miscarriage and lived through two very difficult pregnancies, complete with bed rest and around-the-clock medication to stop premature labor.
We were grateful for the three healthy children God had given us, but it seemed He was testing us beyond our limits. Even though I did not use artificial birth control, I had a contraceptive mentality --not trusting in God's providence.
At the suggestion of a friend, we took a natural family planning class and learned a reliable and morally acceptable means to postpone a pregnancy. More importantly, we began to really understand and appreciate the Church's teaching.
Partnership
God made us to be partners with Him in creating a new life --a new life with an immortal soul that could give glory to Him forever. Fertility was no longer something to be feared; it was an awesome, God-given power. Since then, we have used natural family planning for serious reasons to postpone pregnancy and to be open to God's plan for our family to grow.
While Evangelium Vitae received some press attention for what the Pope calls a "culture of death," particularly as it relates to abortion, euthanasia and the death penalty, it ignored his comments regarding the "contraceptive mentality" of our society, which is so pervasive today, even in our own Catholic community. The results of this mentality are a soaring divorce rate, abortion-on-demand and rampant sexual activity outside of marriage.
Contraception advocates proclaim that the couple free to have sex at anytime without fear of pregnancy is happier and stronger. To abstain during the fertile time of a woman's cycle in order to postpone pregnancy is deemed too difficult, killing spontaneity. They also believe having more than one or two children is too stressful for a marriage to survive. In effect, the child is viewed as an obstacle to personal fulfillment or a comfortable way of life.
The widespread use of contraception has been accompanied by a dramatic rise in the divorce rate. In 1910, there was one divorce for every 11 marriages. At the end of the roaring '20s, as Margaret Sanger campaigned for the use of birth control, that number jumped to one divorce in every six marriages. The pill was introduced in 1960 and the divorce rate climbed to one in every four marriages. By 1977, only half of all marriages survived. That number remains true today.
Unfortunately, many Catholics bought into the contraception myth and now experience divorce rates similar to the general population.
On the other hand, the Couple to Couple League informally surveyed couples using natural family planning and found a divorce rate of less than one per 100 marriages.
There must be some inherent flaw in the use of contraception to produce such a stark contrast. Of course, not every couple using contraception will divorce, but it does nothing to improve the relationship.
I have noticed that contraception puts real barriers between a couple. They say to each other, "I love you, but not your fertility." The total person is not truly embraced and unconditionally loved. Barriers breed distrust, and distrust breaks down the relationship over time.
Mary and Jim, friends of ours, began their married life using contraception. Afraid of the responsibility of parenthood and wanting to live the "yuppie dream," Mary went on the pill. Although they were both raised Catholic and knew artificial birth control was banned, they could not understand why. "Besides," Mary said often, "the Pope wasn't going to tell me how many children I was going to have."
Side effects led Mary to look for a healthy, reliable alternative when her sister introduced her to natural family planning. Still unconvinced of the moral issues involved, they tried it while still using another means of birth control as a backup. Their total embrace of the Church's teaching came years later after persistently questioning family, friends, priests and even authors on the subject. "Living without contraception has strengthened our marriage," Mary said. "We now trust God more than our finances, or even our own efforts."
Couples who respect the meaning of the conjugal act are more affectionate and considerate of each other. They respect their spouse, work better as a team and are less likely to be taken for granted. When the need arises to postpone a pregnancy, a period of abstinence lasting about 7 to 10 days becomes a time for courtship. A husband and wife must express their love in a nonphysical way, and communication, the key to every good relationship, is improved.
During a typical courtship phase in our house, we will take special care of each other. I might make Tom's favorite chocolate-chip cheesecake, and he might surprise me by arranging a baby-sitter and taking me to a dinner and a movie. When the need for abstinence ends, the honeymoon begins and the couple experiences the newness of physical love once more. Life now alternates between courtship and honeymoon. No contraceptive device can do that.
When the meaning of the sexual act is understood properly, children are seen as a blessing and the husband and wife become partners with God in creation. Each child, whether planned or unexpected, is made in the image and likeness of our heavenly Father. Only He can breathe the immortal soul into the new life. |
