To act according to your conscience takes an awful lot of strength. Not only do my friends and fellow students influence what I do but even the snide remarks of teachers and parents put a lot of pressure on me to react in a specific way. I sometimes think that you writers of theory forget this. Sometimes I know in my conscience what is right, but following it is the last thing I'd ever do. Last week, for instance, a teacher call me a "sissy" because I wanted to be in the band, but I'm tall enough and good enough to make the basketball team. So I didn't joint the band and have regretted it even though I made the basketball team. This is just one example. My friend expected me to act one way. My parents expect a lot from me too. Knowing what is right and doing it are two different things.

Dear Ken

You have a real insight in your letter--there definitely is a difference between knowing what is right and doing it. I think you are grappling with what Christian writers refer to as fortitude--the strength given by God to do what we know to be right. We could also call it maturity.

Teenagers are used to being told to "grow up" by those older than they and to "get with it" by their peers. It seems as though everyone thinks they have a right to tell kids how to act! But in reality, you are responsible for your own actions; and part of maturity is taking that responsibility--"following your conscience," we could say. I'd like to list a few ideas of this quality we call maturity.

1. Proper sense of values: Immature persons exaggerate what is not important in life and pass over what really matters. To have friends, for instance, is important, but friendship is much more than being able to share in gossip sessions or being part of a gang that terrorizes the neighborhood. Some teenagers think the important thing is to be part of a group, but true friendship emphasizes not just belonging but sharing the intimate parts of our nature. Some groups offer belonging but want nothing to do with friendship.

Mature persons, on the other hand, put first things first. They do not get distracted by less than what they know to be important. Mature persons are not sad-sack personalities, but they do know what life is about and what is expected of individuals.

2. A sense of responsibility: Here individuals learn to place a sense of duty before a sense of comfort. We all know people (sometimes ourselves) who spend most of the time looking for ways to avoid their share of the work. Mature persons know what they must do to get a job done and they do it. They also expect others to do their part.

3. Unselfishness: We could call this quality thoughtfulness or the ability to give as well as to receive from others. There is a concern for others in mature people. Immature persons seek only their own way and pout until they get it.

4. Control of emotions: Emotions are not bad. Christ wept, was angry, expressed gratitude, and showed affection for his friends. In fact, people who have no emotions or never show these emotions are rather boring, "cold fish." But the emotion should fit the situation. If a guy's best friend dies, he has a right to be shaken up or down in the dumps for a period of time. But we don't expect the same reaction if he is told to be home an hour earlier than he had planned.

5. A balanced attitude: Children expect everything to be rosy, and when problems arise they expect someone else to take care of them. But as we mature, we realize that everything is not so neat. We experience frustrations, trails, and tragedies. They need not destroy us. Mature persons learn to accept the things they cannot change, to change the things that can be changed, and are wise enough to know the difference.

These five points, Ken, come from a book I saw as a teenager. I thought they made some sense then, and I hope they give you something to think about today. True, the points don't give an easy answer to following the dictates of conscience, but they do put a finger on an important part of Christian life--namely, that being a mature person and a good Christian have a lot in common.

Fr. Rich.