LEAN ON GOD

have a confession to make. There was a time not too long ago when I hated God and turned away from my faith completely.

I had always been a faithful Catholic, from a loving, close-knit family, and I considered my faith and love for God to be very strong-until that fateful day in September, 1989. My 23-year-old aunt was ruthlessly murdered.

There was no reason for her murder. Her killer was a student at the college where she taught. He beat, raped, robbed, and strangled her.

She had been married to her college sweetheart for only 18 months. She had a promising career and her whole life to look forward to.

My world was shattered. I feared everyone and developed strong prejudices. My family tried to console me, but I preferred to handle my grief and anger on my own. None of my friends knew how to react, and they behaved awkwardly around me. No one in my school had ever experienced what I was going through.

My soul searched for a reason. I thought "Why my aunt? What right did God have to take her life? What had she done to deserve such treatment?" I couldn't understand why God had allowed my beloved aunt to suffer so.

In my anger I shunned God. I refused to pray and went to church only to scowl. I hated God. I could no longer trust in His love, mercy, or compassion. This was all His fault. Now I felt more alone than I ever had in my whole life. I felt as if I had no friends and even my own God had deserted me. There were no sympathetic, understanding people to turn to.

Months went by. Miraculously, my anger slowly subsided and I began to talk with old friends again. My family joined a support group, and from their discussions I learned of the many "normal, good" people who had lost loved ones to murder I opened up to my family and confessed my hidden anger, outrage, and grief.

However, I was still at odds with God. My question, "Why?", still hadn't been answered.

Then my ears were opened to God's answer by a visiting priest at my parish. He asked us: "Why does God allow pain and suffering to enter the world? To test us?" Certainly that was how I was feeling-God didn't love me anymore. But the priest continued, explaining that it isn't God who causes pain or suffering. Suffering is a result of sin. God allows us to have free will; thus we can choose to do good or evil. That man chose to murder my aunt and defy God.

Because of that choice, my family is suffering and I suppose her killer is (or will be) as well.

However, the priest offered a hopeful message. If we offer God our pain, some good can come of evil. The burden is too heavy for us to carry alone. That was obvious to me; my pain dampened my spirit and approach to life. My aunt had already been taken away; would I allow her murder to take my life's happiness as well? I went home and wept. I asked God to help me deal with my grief and ease my pain. I prayed for forgiveness and a deeper understanding of this world.

The story doesn't end happily ever after. Do they ever? I still don't understand God or see what good can possibly come from my aunt's murder. However, I know God has a reason for His ways and He is not testing or playing games with us.

It may seem hard to do, but my message is to turn to God in your pain. You cannot carry it all yourself. God will always listen and take you back, so just trust in Him. Never stop praying, because as I've learned, healing takes a long time. There are people in this world who love you and understand what you're experiencing -I including God. He'll always be there for you!